It was frustrating that I was expected to be the only one willing to experiment sexually and that my then-boyfriends couldn't trust me enough to respect their boundaries. Whenever I had expressed a desire to do something basic like tie up my partner or blindfold him, I was met with resistance, which led to discussions about masculinity, not to mention straight-up fear: The thought that I might do "butt stuff" to my boyfriends while they were tied up was too much for them to bear. I could be aggressive, but it was usually with the purpose of getting the guy I was with to ramp up his own aggression. I'd never participated in the D/s (Dominant/submissive) lifestyle before, and in my intimate relationships, I preferred the men to be in control in the bedroom. I made sure never to punish in anger, but being able to express my anger and his fear of it were exciting - and I didn't have to worry about him passive-aggressively punishing me for my anger by hanging out all night with his friends or by flirting with other women, or even cheating. Small things like forbidding him from interrupting me while I talked were thrilling. I also overlooked it this time because I wanted to test the limits of my sexuality.Īs my relationship with Baby Sub progressed, I was surprised at how easily some domme behavior came to me. Because of his age and appearance, I didn't feel threatened by his ignorance, even though his desire for a Strong Black Woman to take control of him sexually was an echo of other messages I'd received via OkCupid. He said white women his age were vapid and frequently dismissed him because of his youthful appearance. He liked the maturity of black women and how we don't put up with a lot of bullshit. Further prodding revealed he had explored some sub behavior with another older black woman. He said he thought I looked lovely and was just taking a chance. I asked him why he reached out to me, what made him think it was OK to offer himself as a sub to me. I wondered what else I could get away with making him do. I wasn't turned on by the thought of him in my underwear, but by the power play itself. Seeing him in the bikinis did nothing for me sexually, but making him wear them did give me a rush. He went to work wearing them that same day and frequently texted me his thanks. He liked to be humiliated, and the thought that someone might see him in my panties had him erect. He modeled the underwear as best he could in a public setting, and there was no doubt about his state of arousal. When I made him go into the restroom and change into a pair of my panties I'd brought for him, he stumbled. He was visibly relieved to see me yet also nervous. He was the age he said he was, which was old enough to drink, but the double-digit age gap between us still left me wary. Close-cropped, wavy strawberry blond hair framed a face that made me second-guess his age and whether or not I could go through with whatever was about to happen. I felt safer, realizing we would be experiencing our sexual awakenings together, in a sense.Īfter a week or two of texting, we met in person at a café. Because he was still pretty new to being a sub, I felt more comfortable allowing the relationship to progress. After a quick search, I discovered the world of "jerk off instruction." I'd later use the genre as a tool to punish him.
For example, he told me he liked to watch joi porn. I knew a little bit of the language used in the D/s community from erotica and eavesdropping on Twitter conversations, but sometimes he'd reply with a term that left me googling so I could fake expertise. In my mind, I started to call him Baby Sub because it became clear he, too, was exploring, but I made him call me ma'am or Miss _ (a name I won't reveal here). After a few messages, I gave him my Google Voice number and we began texting.